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Fri, Apr. 14th, 2006, 10:28 am
red_like_me:



That 1 1/2 inch safety pin slid all the way into my forearm but nothing came out.

Parting the flesh on it's way in hurt a little bit, but my eyes tight in passion masked the aches and stings. I remember the feeling when my skin first broke. Pulling out, my skin clung to the silver like it didn't want to let it go, rather like my insides would do to a man. When it was removed my skin was all stretched, but nothing came out.

I felt something, but nothing came out of that pointless pursuit.

Sat, Apr. 15th, 2006 01:26 am (UTC)
(Anonymous)

i just have to ask you. why?

Sat, Apr. 15th, 2006 06:59 am (UTC)
red_like_me

Well, there are a lot of reasons.
Sometimes I do it because it's an escape. It's something to do that's so intense that everything else just shuts off. Physical pain is much better for me than what goes on inside. And this is only temporary, of course. Once the physical pain is over, I am able to feel everything that goes on inside again. Most of the time, though, my mind is very clear after something like this and I am able to go about my day as if everything was fine. So sometimes it's an escape.
But this time it was not an escape. This time I was just very very bored, and I wanted to feel alive. Physical pain, especially when it is self-inflicted, is very exciting. I've never done drugs before, but I imagine that the rush is similar. Sure, it hurts, but it's exciting, and the rush brings good emotions.
Also, sometimes I do it because no one else will touch me. Since I am a very physical person, I like to be touched (in friendly ways), so if that doesn't happen, I touch myself--- hard, and generally with something sharp because I can feel it more. Feeling yourself skin to skin is boring because I constantly do that. But I like to feel things on my skin. Other peoples hands or bodies, and if not that, sharp metal things.
I hope that's clear enough, I know it sounds strange from the outside because I did a bunch of reading before I actually did anything. Please ask more questions if you have any in mind, it not only helps you understand, but helps me to understand by putting these concepts onto paper. And my journal may explain things a but more, as well.

Sun, Jun. 4th, 2006 04:29 am (UTC)
shuketsu_kihaku

I understand completely. I do it for similar reasons...

Sun, Jun. 4th, 2006 05:49 am (UTC)
red_like_me

What are yours?

Sun, Jun. 4th, 2006 05:57 am (UTC)
shuketsu_kihaku

Depression due to past events in my life. Stress due to current events. Guilt. Hatred of myself. Feeling worthless and useless: unable to help my friends when they are down. And of course, being triggered or having the insatiable impulse.

Or would you rather more specific reasons?

Sun, Jun. 4th, 2006 06:00 am (UTC)
red_like_me

What happened in the past?

Sun, Jun. 4th, 2006 06:43 am (UTC)
shuketsu_kihaku

Sexual abuse (in the form of molestation) from the age of 7-11. The case was just pronounced finished, and I'm not happy with the result.

Also physical abuse, moving repeatedly because of parents in the military, taunting and teasing by schoolmates.

I guess that when you're young, being molested, pysically abused (no one knowing of these), and your peers refuse to accept you and use you for your knowledge, you get a little messed up.

Sun, Jul. 23rd, 2006 05:18 am (UTC)
red_like_me

I'm sorry.
You know, it wasn't supposed to be that way. You've been robbed of love in your childhood.

But you can beat it.
In God all things are possible.

Wed, Jul. 26th, 2006 09:14 pm (UTC)
shuketsu_kihaku

Hopefully I will beat it, though justice wasn't quite served even after I made a case of it. It kinda ended in June...with him pleading guilty to the plea bargain. But he was only pleading guilty to assault, not being a sex offender. I made a post way back about it if you're really interested.

Sat, Jun. 3rd, 2006 09:00 pm (UTC)
shuketsu_kihaku

I hate it when that happens. My most fulfilling part is when I bleed, but I get so mad when I don't bleed enough.

Sat, Jun. 3rd, 2006 09:58 pm (UTC)
red_like_me

Yeah, I thought I was going to bleed a lot after that.

Sat, Jun. 3rd, 2006 11:56 pm (UTC)
red_like_me

And just now, I spent forever trying to bleed but couldn't.

Sun, Jun. 4th, 2006 04:33 am (UTC)
shuketsu_kihaku

What do you do it with? Is this able to be discussed here?
And how do you do it exactly...sorry...I'm being encouraging. I shouldn't be.

Sun, Jun. 4th, 2006 05:48 am (UTC)
red_like_me: actually it had little to do with the sharpness and more with fear

Today was rather impulsive.
In the shower I saw a pair of small nail keeping scissors and went at it. They're very dull, but I held the edge of the blade on my skin, pressed hard, and dragged. At first it was on the outside of my thigh, and then just below my elbow crease. Those damn things are so dull though, I couldn't even break the skin.
After a lot of crying over "I'm not even worthy enough to bleed," I went to get a safety pin and returned for a little more fun, but even that didn't make me bleed. I continued on the elbow-crease but then moved to an old scar. I just poked and made little tunnels much like hand sewing. But I got sick of hurting and feeling so nauseated so I stopped.
My face probably looks very sexual during this entire process.

Sun, Jun. 4th, 2006 05:53 am (UTC)
shuketsu_kihaku: Re: actually it had little to do with the sharpness and more with fear

I understand the 'sexual face' thing. It's the pure adrenaline pumping through your body.

And I understand those impulses, which is why I hide my tools from myself. I know they're there, but I keep them out of the open and hidden well so that I don't have to look at them and be triggered, much less have my parents see them and find out I actually do it still.

The impulsiveness is always the worst. You get so nervous that you can't do it right no matter what the result, you're never satisfied, but you can't reach that satisfaction, which is where you get disappointed and mad at yourself (at least that's how it is with me). I never bleed at all or enough on these occasions.

I know you probably don't agree, but I'm glad you didn't bleed. I just hope you don't go back until you do (which is what I have to frequently avoid doing).

I'm sorry...it's late and my mind is kind of jumping around. Sorry if this comment wasn't very coherent.

Mon, Jul. 24th, 2006 06:40 pm (UTC)
red_like_me: Re: actually it had little to do with the sharpness and more with fear

I don't think we will ever be satisfied with what we do to ourselves.

There's only one thing that can satisfy us.

Wed, Jul. 26th, 2006 08:59 pm (UTC)
shuketsu_kihaku: Re: actually it had little to do with the sharpness and more with fear

*sigh* I know....hey, you should check out this community. I believe it can help us both: anti_suicide

Sun, Jun. 4th, 2006 04:27 am (UTC)
shuketsu_kihaku

I try not to cut often, but when I do...I want to BLEED! That's the whole point...sorry, this probably isn't helping you stop or anything. I shouldn't encourage it.

Sun, Jun. 4th, 2006 05:34 am (UTC)
red_like_me

No no, it's fine. I totally understand. Today was a major relapse for me, but there was hardly any blood.
So I might just do a bit more damage tonight so that I actually have something to show for the day.
To show my best friend, that is.

Sun, Jun. 4th, 2006 05:36 am (UTC)
shuketsu_kihaku

Ah...are you and your best friend joint cutters?

I really hate to encourage it, but I understand not being able to talk about it or cope otherwise. Cutting is my main escape as well.

I will say this though: Try to avoid it whenever you can. I know it's hard...but, it's not something you really WANT to do forever.

(I try to listen to what I just said. But I get stressed and can't help it sometimes as well.)

Sun, Jun. 4th, 2006 05:52 am (UTC)
red_like_me

Thanks for the advice. I know you're right, but sometimes I just don't care. Like tonight, for example.

No, my best friend is very healthy and working with me to heal.
BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM CRY AND I'M GOING TO KEEP DESTROYING MYSELF UNTIL HE CRIES FOR ME.

Sun, Jun. 4th, 2006 05:55 am (UTC)
shuketsu_kihaku

Oh...I bet that your friend cries after you leave his sight. I'm sure that he cries inside even if not outwardly, as most boys tend to do.

I'm glad that he's working with you to heal, but are you sure that you're ready to see how much your hurting yourself truly hurts him?

Sun, Jul. 23rd, 2006 05:19 am (UTC)
red_like_me

It would be hard but I want to see. Badly.

Wed, Jul. 26th, 2006 09:12 pm (UTC)
shuketsu_kihaku

I understand. (Sorry for all these late reply comments)

Fri, Jul. 28th, 2006 03:44 pm (UTC)
red_like_me

Don't worry, I'm doing a bunch, too.